Monday, April 09, 2007
Pacifist Viking's 2007 Smock Draft
You can see NFL mock drafts anywhere; you don't need another mock draft from us. But here at PV, we believe we are presenting you with the first ever "Smock Draft." In our Smock Draft, we will be selecting 32 favorite expressions that either are or should be on the front of aprons. OK, so a smock is not necessarily an apron, but it's close enough to suit the purposes of our Smock Draft. So here we go with our 32 selections of phrases to appear on aprons (with commentary).
1. Kiss the Cook
Phrases on aprons are best if they are commands.
2. Hail to the Chef
The first of our moderately presidential expressions, and another command.
3. Cooks do it in the kitchen
Aprons are a great medium for bawdy double entendres.
4. Don't Trust a Skinny Chef
Or do, I guess. It's another imperative sentence.
Maybe nobody knows why you've got the apron on. Be clear.
6. I bake for Jesus
Folksy religious expressions make people wonder if you are serious or ironic.
7. Commander in Chef
Another presidential pun.
8. Good Eats
If you've got an apron on with words on the front, you've already verged into the land of the tacky. You might as well be as folksy as possible.
The explanation point makes "Cook!" distinguishable from "Cook." It's like you're yelling it.
10. Shut up and eat it.
Cooks can be bossy.
11. Stir the Pot
Metaphors that originated in kitchen language are great for aprons, because they can then be taken literally.
12. I've got Skillets
As a variation of "I've got Skills," maybe this makes more sense as "I've got Skilletz."
13. First Ladle
Another presidential pun.
14. I am not a cook.
Ideally this phrase is included with a caricature of Richard Nixon.
15. Would you like fries with that?
If you are cooking for a large family gathering, it is guaranteed that somebody will laugh at this. This is a helpful apron, then, because then you know not to get into any conversations with the ones who laughed.
16. Cut the cheese
Slightly bawdy and immature.
17. I've got your sausage right here.
Getting bawdier. This probably only works for a man.
18. Count Spatula
Ideally, this would be accompanied by a cartoon vampire cooking.
19. Now we're cookin'!
Two points: this absolutely requires the exclamation point, and it must be "cookin'," not "cooking."
20. Get ready to meet your baker.
You can see what my sense of humor is like.
21. Veal or No Veal
If Howie Mandel doesn't have this apron already, I'm sad.
22. Meat is Murder
Either you can be ultra-confrontational at meal-time, or if you're serving meat, ironical.
23. Bon Appetit, Asshole.
What cook doesn't treat his/her guests rudely?
24. Don't Judge a Cook by it's Cover.
I love rhymes, and I love puns....
25. Cooks can be Deceiving.
...perhaps a little too much.
26. Roadkill Gourmet
When you're wearing an apron, tacky is good.
27. My eyes are up here.
Here's a good apron phrase for the ladies.
28. I spit in your potatoes.
Remember, you're trying to be mean. But please don't actually spit in anybody's potatoes.
29. I climbed Mount Everest and all I got was this stupid apron.
At pick 29, we're reaching.
30. Kiss my Grits!
I'm too young to have any idea what this means.
31. Eggs are Eggs
A tribute to George Costanza.
32. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.
Cliches don't belong in good writing; they only belong on clothing.
So there you have it, the first ever Smock Draft, brought to you by complete schmucks at Pacifist Viking.