Sunday, July 29, 2007

2007's Plea to the Spirit of Fantasy Football (or, evading adulthood and responsibility)

Last summer, in an attempt to discover some mystical power of football knowledge, I grew a ridiculous moustache for the Hazelweird fantasy football draft. Alas, my first two selections were Clinton Portis and Randy Moss; the moustache contained no hidden secrets of fantasy football future (though despite these horrendous picks, I still finished in the top half of the league).
The secrets of fantasy football knowledge are not so easily attained.

But later I discovered I was as a pagan philosopher attempting to describe the true God. The Spirit of Fantasy Football revealed itself to our league, and we now live with a deeper, fuller understanding of the meaning of our fantasy football exploits.
The Spirit of Fantasy Football leaves his home in the Shadow of the Endzone to sit at our draft table.

The Spirit of Fantasy Football cannot, I learned, be won over with a moustache. It takes a deeper sacrifice than looking ridiculous for a month to win his approval and help.

And so in 2007 I come with a pure heart and noble mind to the Spirit of Fantasy Football and plea for aid in this time of need.

I come with a headband.

That is what the Spirit of Fantasy Football asks of us. Not silly moustaches. We don't even have to spend our money on magazines. He asks only that we wear our headbands, our symbols of loyalty, during the draft.

This headband comes with advantages. If you have an infantile compulsion for playing with your hair, the headband aids in preventing such a distraction during the critical period. If for whatever reason you expect to sweat during your draft, the headband will help. And the headband comes with extra intimidation. Cleopatra is often represented with a headband, and if she were in an auction league, she would freeze the blood in your veins, getting whichever players she wished.
This steely gaze and gorgeous headband strike fear into Cleopatra's fantasy football opponents.

And so in 2007, I humbly beseech the aid of the Spirit of Fantasy Football, and come to the draft table with the symbol of my devotion openly displayed.
A preview of PV during the 2007 fantasy draft auction

But the Spirit of Fantasy Football reveals himself to different individuals in different ways. How do you attempt to summon his support during your draft?


  1. I'm going to make all my picks through a makeshift puppet (my son's teddy bear, which I will dress up as myself). It oughta work.

  2. Since most of my drafts are online, I always draft in an old-school Broncos jersey (either Elway or Terrell Davis). Silly and cliche, but hey.

  3. Anonymous6:46 AM

    You people are weird....






  4. Anonymous7:51 AM

    i remember when this used to be about a bunch of guys going on a three hour drunk and playing video games. now... i don't know. my feeling is your headband goes AGAINST the Spirit of Fantasy Football.


  5. Why is this going to be any better than the bandana you wore last year?

  6. Anonymous2:03 PM

    I'd take Todd Lowonbeer in the 1st round..


  7. Anonymous9:03 PM

    This year I got the name of my Fantasy team (which is the same every year) silk screened in white letters on purple tshirts. One for my 3 year old son, one for my wife, one for me.

    Our draft is a "brother in law league" so it's a family party. The women and kids stay upstairs and play/drink wine/gossip. The menfolk go down to the man cave for the draft.