six updates below
1.
During the Vikings-Saints game, I felt more physical anxiety than I've ever felt during a game. I couldn't eat: my stomach was too fluttery (after the game I was famished). In the fourth quarter my lower arms started tingling. Late in the fourth quarter when it looked like they had a shot, water would fill up my eyes. The anxiety while the game was in doubt was intense.1.
So why, the day after, am I just going about life? I'm distraught, but why don't I feel an awful sense of spiritual emptiness? But I know why. It's simple.
I've been here before.
The feeling today is just so familiar. Once again, the Vikings are not going to win the Super Bowl this year. Once again, a potentially great Viking season ends in the most heart-rending way possible. I can deal with these feelings because I know them. If they had won last night, I'd be grinning like a psychotic all day, and I wouldn't even know what to do with the emotions I would be feeling. But this? I know this. I've been here.
2.
Things could go two ways. You know, 10+ years from now my kids might be getting their hopes up for the Viking season (assuming, of course, the Vikes don't relocate, the dread of which has been the undertone of this season's desperation), and they'll see signs that this could be the year. And I'll have to decide: do I let them feel their mad hope, or do I try to remind them that this is the Vikings, that they'll never actually win the Super Bowl, and believing they can will just leave them with disappointment? Even if it's not my kids, there will be a whole new generation of Viking fans that have merely heard of the '09 NFC Championship, for whom the '98 NFC Championship predates their birth (they'll learn about those things, perhaps, the same way I learned about the '75 Hail Mary game, from my dad and uncle and whole hosts of Viking fans who have never gotten over it). Will I be the old Viking crank? Or will I smile at their youthful exuberance? I fear it will be the former: a few weeks ago my nephew brazenly told me the Vikings were going to win the Super Bowl. You're young, I told him--you'll learn not to be quite so hopeful. But then, I was smiling as I told him that. I won't be the one to tear down the splendid dreams and passionate hopes of the young. Let them dream, let them hope.
But I fear they will relocate, and then who knows what will become of us.
I should be so lucky as to spend the next 50+ years being disappointed by the Vikings. But if they move to L.A., leaving us alone, even winning championships there (like the Lakers), then what? Then what?
That 12 men in the huddle penalty might have cost the Vikings a championship. And not winning a championship this year might cost Minnesota the Vikings.
I should be so lucky as to spend the next 50+ years being disappointed by the Vikings. But if they move to L.A., leaving us alone, even winning championships there (like the Lakers), then what? Then what?
That 12 men in the huddle penalty might have cost the Vikings a championship. And not winning a championship this year might cost Minnesota the Vikings.
3.
After this season, what can only be remembered as the Favre season, how do we recover the passion? I can't stomach the thought of the free agency period. I'll want to know who the Vikings draft, but I don't want to watch the draft. I don't want to blog through a training camp, reading articles about who is playing well and such. I don't want to blog for a week one regular season game. Not after this NFC Championship game. Not after being in position for a field goal attempt to take the Vikings to the Super Bowl. Not after all those turnovers ruined it all. Not after a freaking overtime loss in the NFC Championship Game. I can't get that passion aroused again--at least, not yet. Or maybe I just don't want to. It's not that I'm going to try will myself into becoming a "casual fan." It's just that I don't want to write about it anymore. I don't want all the periods of waiting. I don't want to devote all that time and energy (mental and emotional) again, just to have this happen again. In fact, I'll be preparing for fantasy football by purchasing a magazine a week or two before the draft (Hazelweirders know that, though practiced by more than half the league, this is a much laughed at strategy). I want to follow it all--I just don't want to develop ideas about it all. I don't want to write and organize, look at statistics or read speculation. And those sorts of things are rather a necessity for a football blogger, aren't they? I just don't have another offseason in me. And I think when the season starts, I just want to watch the games and try enjoy them, not try write about them afterward.
I still might want to write about the inane, the absurd, and the tragic of what it is to be a Viking fan. But that's something other than writing about the team regularly, and not anything anybody should want to stick around to read.
I still might want to write about the inane, the absurd, and the tragic of what it is to be a Viking fan. But that's something other than writing about the team regularly, and not anything anybody should want to stick around to read.
4.
If you want, you can think of me like Tom Joad or like Abed dressed as Batman on Halloween. Wherever a Viking fan is pacing the room nervously, I'll be there. Wherever fans try to convince themselves the Vikes can overcome an obvious weakness, I'll be there. Wherever two people are discussing the merits of the Vikings' nickel backs, I'll be there. Wherever a Viking fan tries to talk him/herself into a mediocre quarterback, I'll be there. Wherever a person panics during conventional special teams plays, I'll be there. Wherever people are planning their weeks around when the Vikings play, I'll be there. Whenever a Viking fan despairs that the Green Bay Packers will win a 13th championship before the Vikings win their first, I'll be there. Wherever somebody reads a work of literature then forces an explanation of what it means to Viking fans, I'll be there. Whenever somebody gets entangled in an absurd or tragic conversation about the Vikings, I'll be there.
5.
I feel a great desire to spend my time watching my favorite sitcoms. They never disappoint me.
If I watch Seinfeld, or Arrested Development, or Curb Your Enthusiasm, I know what I'm going to get. I'm going to laugh. I'm going to enjoy myself immensely. I'm not going to feel like the fates reached into my chest to grab my heart. I'm not going to feel like Poseidon kicked me in the nuts. I'm not going to struggle to fall asleep that night.
How I Met Your Mother may put it off and stretch it out for as long as they can, but eventually, Ted is going to meet his kids' mother (I told this to my wife and she said the show could get canceled unexpectedly before they get a chance for him to meet her. I found that implausible, so she pointed out that one of the actors could die. "Ted could die, Joe," she said. She said this. So watch out, Josh Radnor: a Viking fan is rooting for you to live).
6.
Or I could say it this way: the 2009 NFC Championship Game drove me from blogging.7.
This needs to be said before I go. If as a fan you've witnessed your favorite team win a championship, and you're mocking fans of a team that has never won championships, and you're reveling in their misery and rubbing it in during the moment of their heartbreak, you're being a bully. There's no other way to say it. It's the haves making fun of the have-nots, and wanting them to stay have-nots.
You all know I hate the Packers, but remember: I hate them as a fan of a team with zero championships loathing a team that has won 12 championships. You better believe I dislike the Saints right now, but if their fans get to celebrate a title, then good for them, and if they suffer heartbreak, I won't be there to make fun of them for it. And if I ever have been in that role, I apologize.
To all those other long-suffering fans out there, I feel a deep kinship with some of you, though we've never met. May you be given what you are looking for. May you experience the great joy you long for. I may not root for your team, but I root for you.
8.
They were really setting up for the game-winning field goal, weren't they?
9.
So this is likely my last blog post here (though I'm a flake, and this retirement could be a Favre retirement). Thanks for reading.
The dream is dead. Long live the dream. Endure it. And someday, maybe, just maybe...skol.
UPDATES
My emotions are pretty raw, and thoughts are still coming to me. I'll update here throughout the week, and then it is my intent to at least take the offseason of blogging off (at least).
Addendum 1
I realized another reason I went from sickly anxious to relatively calm. While the game was still going on, it was the dread and hope of what could be. When the game was over, it immediately went into our canon of suffering.
Addendum 2
Packer fans have endured some very tough playoff defeats in the '00s, notably against the Eagles in '03 (4th and 26), the Giants in '07 (home NFC title game loss in overtime), and the Cardinals in '09 (you remember). But I would like Packer fans to try a mental game.
Imagine that, in your past, the '96 Packers had lost in the NFC Championship Game, and that Lombardi's Packers had lost those first two Super Bowls.
Imagine that is your team's history. Now imagine 4th and 26. Now imagine the '07 NFC title game. Now imagine that Cardinals game.
That is what it means to be a Viking fan.
Addendum 3
As the week has gone on, I've just gotten more and more sad. We were so close. Despite all the turnovers (without which we might have won handily), the game was tied, we had the ball, and we were driving, we were even setting up for the game-winning field goal (I trust Longwell indoors from 50-51 yards for a game-winner). And it was lost. We had the game tied and were setting up for a game-winning score, and now the Saints are in the Super Bowl and we've got another heart-breaker on the list.
When I step outside into a Minnesota January, I feel we are forsaken. If it didn't happen in the Bud Grant era, and it didn't happen in '98 (oh so close), and it didn't happen in '09 (oh so close), why shouldn't we give up hope? Why shouldn't we despair?
Addendum 4
I felt the most distraught during the game; as the week has gone on, my distress has decreased exponentially. Why? Because the game has moved into the realm of history. For me, history takes on the aura of inevitability, if not, of course, the reality of inevitability. It is now recorded and written--what happened is what happened.
That I think of the Vikings in somewhat literary terms contributes; it is as if the team is a combination of Greek Tragedy and Absurdist Drama (come see "The Minnesota Vikings," a collaboration of Sophocles and Beckett). Think about reading Romeo and Juliet. You might read it thinking Romeo and Juliet were so close to being together, that things were so close to being alright, that merely some bad luck and bad timing came between a happy ending. But the play is a tragedy written almost 400 years ago--Romeo and Juliet have never had their happy ending, and they've been playing out that so close drama for centuries. King Lear is tragic and depressing, but I'm more moved by the nihilistic despair of the play than by feeling for the fate of the characters: it is literature, it is intended as tragedy, and the sad demise of Lear and Cordelia cannot but be as it is. Quite obviously the '09 Vikings' season was not destined to its ending as a 400 year old work of literature is destined to its ending, but after a few days, that's now how it feels to me.
So while the Vikings could have, should have, and nearly did, win the 2009 NFC Championship Game, as time goes on it becomes a fixed Drama that can only end the way it did.
Addendum 5
Bill Simmons contributes to the conversation, with a great deal relevant to the comments thread discussions here and a great many parallels to what I've written about here.
Addendum 6
And I'm off on hiatus. Thank you for the many intelligent comments in this thread, both the complimentary and the critical. You have convinced me not to permanently abandon this blog; I now intend to return around August. Between now and then, if there is giant team news, or if I have any dreams about the team, or if any thoughts come to me that are insightful or amusing, I might post (but don't check regularly, as it won't be very regular at all). I was ready to turn away, but a few days going by and a lot of good thoughts in the discussion make me think it won't be permanent. Thanks for pulling me back.