Thursday, June 22, 2006

Fun Fantasy Football Rules

Some friends and I have been discussing ways to turn our impending fantasy football draft into a drinking game. Here are some other rules I'd like to suggest.

Person to select Brett Favre: take two pills of Vicodin and throw an interception to my kitten.

People who select Randy McMichael or Ahman Green: since real domestic violence is never funny, you just have to create a straw figure of your significant other, then start fighting.

Person to select Peyton Manning: Start really strong and confident, then start wilting anytime anybody looks at you, and come up short with stupid picks repeatedly as the draft comes to a close.

Person to select Ben Roethlisberger: Ride my bike straight into the garage door.

People who select Seattle Seahawks: It's only draft time, but it's not too early to start blaming the refs because you didn't win the championship.

Person to select Reggie Bush: on your next pick, act like you're going to be making an easy, no-brainer pick, then throw a lateral to a slow player running behind you and pick somebody who sucks.

Person to select Terrell Owens: by rule, you automatically receive Donovan McNabb, but you are obligated to spend the season talking about how much better you'd be with Brett Favre.

First person to make a joke about how you'd like to draft Eli Manning, but you're worried he'll refuse to play for your team: everybody present gets to punch you in the throat or in the crotch. It's the puncher's choice.

Person to select Drew Brees: you must smear something onto your face in the shape of his birthmark.

Person to select Randy Moss: when you've decided to make your pick, sit silently doing nothing. As your time winds down and somebody asks you to hurry up and make a pick, shout, "I pick when I want to pick!" If the commissioner threatens to fine you if you don't get your pick in on time, say "straight cash homey." When you finally do select Moss, pretend to take a crap on the floor and then pretend to wipe your ass on the wall (under no circumstances should you ACTUALLY crap on the floor and wipe your ass on the wall).

Person to select Daunte Culpepper: First, start trying to pick up a drink but repeatedly fumble it. Then try throw out a pick but allow it to be easily intercepted. Then send everybody an email telling them how you feel.

Person to select Mewelde Moore: start making the pick, and then act like you got injured trying to do it.

OK, some real drinking game rules.

First to select a QB: take a drink

First to select a TE: take a drink

First to select a D: take a shot

First to select a K: take a shot

First Homer Pick: take a shot

(this includes drafting players on your favorite NFL team OR alumni from your favorite college team. If I draft a UCLA Bruin, I take a shot. If Justin drafts a Duke Blue Devil...ah, hell, my brother at Bemidji State has a better chance of drafting a Beaver than Justin has of selecting a Blue Devil.)

First Reach Pick: take a shot

First Double Pick: take a double shot and remove one article of clothing

(In a snake draft, trying to draft a player who has already been selected is a cardinal sin.)

We need more suggestions: both of the first variety, and the second.

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